A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson.

The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife.

“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway….. about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”

From www.poddys.com

This is apparently from David Letterman. This is a top 10 list of funny golf caddie comments. Some of these sound like old old old jokes, but they are all pretty funny. Picture yourself having the worst golf game of your life, and this caddy “helping” you out with these comments…. How many golf clubs would you break?

David Letterman’s Top Ten Caddy Comments: Ten funny comments by Golf Caddies.
#10 -
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
#9 -
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
#8 -
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
7 -

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
6 -
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
5 -
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
4 -
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
3 -
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
2 -
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

And the #1 Caddy Comment is:
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Page topic: David Letterman Top 10 list: top 10 funny caddy comments by golf caddies.

On Sunday morning everyone arrived at the course at 7:00AM.
Mark said, “I had to take my lady out to dinner to get here guys.”
Ron said, “That’s nothing. I had to endure dinner and the opera to get out here today and the opera lasted four hours!!!”
I said, “Youth is wasted on the young. I didn’t have to do anything to get here.”
Mark and Ron were amazed.
Mark said, “Tell us your secret.”
I said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning, at 6:00AM, I looked my wife straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or intercourse?”
She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this, it might get chilly out there!”
- Contributed by Hal Kupchak

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Father Phelan was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course. It was an obsession.

It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning and it looked like it would be a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was rising, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was pleasant and rising.
The good Father couldn’t resist. He called a Parish assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not say Mass, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where he felt no one would know him. He was first there and first out by himself, another good break.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching Father Phelan and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, “Have a look at Father Phelan. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

God nodded in agreement.

After a double on the first hole, the good Father teed up on the second. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 260 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “I did. Think about it; who can he tell?” – Contributed by Hal Kupchak

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she’s very attractive.

He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation…

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can’t agree to this. He can’t work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.

“You see,” she tearfully sobs, “I’m a transvestite.” He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.

“You bastard,” he screams, red in the face, “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the red tees all week!!”

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been

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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been. The man replies, “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!?”

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?